Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Hates when people run their mouth and they have no idea what they are talking about.

   does anybody still reminise the days of Celebrity deathmatch?!

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more awkward!

   Girls are like universities. he spend hours looking at them, only to realise he can't get into any of them.

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   somehow misplaced his copy of 'Organization for Dummies.'

   going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handling a big tool.

   Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places, take the brothel for instance.

   So did anyone ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what?

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   had four E's and LSD last night, Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

   sleeping on the bottom bunk when I was younger wasn't easy.....Its hard to sleep with a raincoat on.

   Just because I don't agree with your crazy-eyed opinion, does NOT mean I am "uninformed". Maybe you are "mis-informed".

   I can't decide what to swear today.

   If you didn't do anything wrong, then why do you look as nervous as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese?!

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.