Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.

   What’s the difference between a fat chick and Broncos offense? A fat chick scores every once in a while!

   I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

   I can’t afford to see a chiropractor, so I just lie on my back and slide down the stairs like a cartoon.

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarettes. 

   My liver is so cute when it's all like... "Oh God!!! someone please help me!"

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   A BYU basketball player dismissed for premarital sex. I knew mormons were not supposed to have coffee or tea. I had no idea Tang was off limits

   I Googled Fudge recipes last nite. not the rusults I was expecting.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   Whistles are ok, but NO ONE will attack a woman who's got a rape tuba.

   "Get off my Beach" First words spoken to Christopher Columbus by the Original Native American's

   If you watch Godzilla vs. King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   a black guy in a horror movie has a better chance to survive than a white girl in aruba

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

   Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.