Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   A BYU basketball player dismissed for premarital sex. I knew mormons were not supposed to have coffee or tea. I had no idea Tang was off limits

   I Googled Fudge recipes last nite. not the rusults I was expecting.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   Whistles are ok, but NO ONE will attack a woman who's got a rape tuba.

   "Get off my Beach" First words spoken to Christopher Columbus by the Original Native American's

   If you watch Godzilla vs. King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   a black guy in a horror movie has a better chance to survive than a white girl in aruba

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

   Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   If you need space then work at NASA

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"

   I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.

   A cop texted me to pull over.