Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   ..is so poor, she can't even afford to window shop.

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

   Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted and always ready to charge.

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN. The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   n't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil..

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.