Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   People are more violently opposed to fur than leather probably because it's safer to harass rich women than Hell's Angels

   If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.

   According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady

   The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.

   With the price of eggs this year, we're not dying eggs for Easter. We're dying Cheerios.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   There are no Puerto-Ricans on Star Trek...It appears they don't work in the future either........

   When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   Stop Ignoring the Signs of the New World Order

   t pisses you off when your wife gets pregnant,everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" but nobody rubs your d*ck & says "Good Job!"

   I'm so pissed Michael Jackson never had a chance to molest Justin Bieber.

   Republicans don't want our country to be a 3rd world communist state like Obama does.

   just realised dat wen a guy opens the door of his car for his girlfriend one of them is brandnew!!!

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.

   Just rearended a car and a midget got out. Came to me frowning and said I'm not happy so I said "Well, then which one are you?"

   My period is a bit like SHARK WEEK. There's a ton of blood and a good chance that someone might die.

   You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.