Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   You can't turn a ho into a housewife unless you're playing Scrabble.

   Funny Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"

   Water and cereal dont mix

   Sasquatch is messin with me.

   I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   We're gonna rebuild that wall and the Night King will pay for it.

   My buddy was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   Delete Hillary

   Was absolutely shocked to hear that Hillary supporters Hated Donald Trump's speech at the RNC last night!! I'm sure the next big shock will come when I hear that Trump Supporters hated Hillary Clinton's speech at the DNC.

   .... Hey .... On a positive note .... We DID go 224 years without having a president this terrible!

   That odd moment when, during the Presidential Debates, one of the candidates takes a moment to promote their book.

   I get nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Hey, look on the bright side America, she might not only be the first woman ever elected prez, she could very well also be the first US prez who is forced be a stay at home wife with an ankle bracelet on. #FeministMilestones

   You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.

   It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

   Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks Obama.