Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With "Lost" and "American Idol" finished what am I supposed to do with my life, I guess I'll go enjoy that hot orange thing in the sky!

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night...."

   congratulates singer Celine Dion and her grandfather on the birth of their twin boys.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   You can't turn a ho into a housewife unless you're playing Scrabble.

   Funny Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"

   Water and cereal dont mix

   Sasquatch is messin with me.

   I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   We're gonna rebuild that wall and the Night King will pay for it.

   My buddy was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   Hey, look on the bright side America, she might not only be the first woman ever elected prez, she could very well also be the first US prez who is forced be a stay at home wife with an ankle bracelet on. #FeministMilestones

   It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.