Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
My favorite beer? A cold and full one. 
As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".
"For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator
If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?
My brother diagnosed his wife with a terrible condition called Hoover Syndrome where she makes lots of whiney noises but no longer sucks
It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they should flicker ominously
Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.
My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...
Sex isn't everything...Unless your not having any...
Herman Cain wouldn't like my 69, 69, 69 plan..
you know it's holiday time when you see a charlie brown special on tv
They say we're not suppose to judge people by the way they look. I saw a guy wearing a NASCAR tee-shirt, Git-er-done camouflage hat, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other and a son with a rat tail hair cut. C'mon, some people make too easy not to.
The neighbor that is a cop was not so concerned why I was naked, but wanted to know how I got in the backseat of his car and cuffed myself last night.
I can't believe that I don't care WHO is viewing my profile!!!
My check engine light has been on since I was born.
The economy is so bad, the only thing that get's paid back nowadays is the hour that Daylight Savings Time borrows from Standard Time.
Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.
The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.
Should I be worried that Santa just de-friended me?
Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol. 