Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...

   Sex isn't everything...Unless your not having any...

   Herman Cain wouldn't like my 69, 69, 69 plan..

   you know it's holiday time when you see a charlie brown special on tv

   They say we're not suppose to judge people by the way they look. I saw a guy wearing a NASCAR tee-shirt, Git-er-done camouflage hat, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other and a son with a rat tail hair cut. C'mon, some people make too easy not to.

   The neighbor that is a cop was not so concerned why I was naked, but wanted to know how I got in the backseat of his car and cuffed myself last night.

   I can't believe that I don't care WHO is viewing my profile!!!

   My check engine light has been on since I was born.

   The economy is so bad, the only thing that get's paid back nowadays is the hour that Daylight Savings Time borrows from Standard Time.

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.

   Should I be worried that Santa just de-friended me?

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   that money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can buy you beers to drink in the shower.

   Blasting Chumbawumba, and I'm not gonna stop until the realtor showing the house next door pays me to.

   Any woman who says, 'I can have any man I want' is lying, has no standards and no man wants her ass.

   The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.

   I don't want to offend anyone, but this FB app everyone seems to be doing, you know the one with the #1 song played the day you were born, well I really think some of these should be shown on an 8 track or LP instead of a cassette...