Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left."

   I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   Liquor Treat!!!

   I recently took up mediation, its better than sitting around doing nothing

   I almost touched my toes, a year ago I couldn't even see them. #ExerciseIsGood

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   the best things in life are free *does not include shipping & handling*

   SFOL #16: You aren't insecure due to some traumatic experience that happened when you were a child—unless that experience was the realization that you suck and no one likes you.

   the head radiologist of the X-ray department at the hospital married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her...

   Daylight savings time will give me an excuse for showing up for work 10 minutes late!

   the guy in the stall next to you.I just made a noise so you know I`m there..

   Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   hoping U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan is confirmed to the Supreme Court, so comedian Mike Myers can return to SNL to impersonate her.

   Ladies I think we should file a class action suit against Calgon...After years and years of waiting for it to take us away..It hasn't taken us any damn where!

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   can't believe Nickelodeon didn't get Dora the Explorer a GPS or something for her birthday yesterday, now we have to suffer another year of her being lost everywhere she goes.