Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the best things in life are free *does not include shipping & handling*

   SFOL #16: You aren't insecure due to some traumatic experience that happened when you were a child—unless that experience was the realization that you suck and no one likes you.

   the head radiologist of the X-ray department at the hospital married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her...

   Daylight savings time will give me an excuse for showing up for work 10 minutes late!

   the guy in the stall next to you.I just made a noise so you know I`m there..

   Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   hoping U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan is confirmed to the Supreme Court, so comedian Mike Myers can return to SNL to impersonate her.

   Ladies I think we should file a class action suit against Calgon...After years and years of waiting for it to take us away..It hasn't taken us any damn where!

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   can't believe Nickelodeon didn't get Dora the Explorer a GPS or something for her birthday yesterday, now we have to suffer another year of her being lost everywhere she goes.

   planning a vacation to get away from people....see you guys in couple of hours, will facebook hourly to update you guys about my vacation

   when the only thing you have is a hammer every moron resembles a nail

   Right now my life is like a video game I'm stuck on this level without ne cheat codes

   enjoyed deleting 10 friends to get a free Whopper.

   can't seem to put out old flames, especially when they come back blazing in glory.

   cocaine: is actually a rich man's aspirin

   We can sense paranoia and we are coming for you.