Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is

   ur as fake as my Christmas tree

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   I'm really shy at first. But once you get to know me, prepare to meet the craziest lunatic you will ever meet ;)

   If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams.

   For Jesus' birthday, I bought other people a bunch of stuff.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

   I don't know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.

   "It's not what it looks like!" - said when something is exactly what it looks like

   Good thing Salmon Wilcox is on the side with the lights or you wouldn't be able to see him.

   Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire

   I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.

   At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..

   Can't decide if I should start drinking now, or wait until one of you pisses me off. Now it is.

   And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end