Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   If you ever want an OUTSTANDING job/character reference, make sure you list someone that you KNOW hates your ass at your current employer. They'll be so happy to be rid of your ass nothing but good things will come out of their mouth.

   You can learn a lot about a person if you install a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   I'm really shy at first. But once you get to know me, prepare to meet the craziest lunatic you will ever meet ;)

   If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams.

   For Jesus' birthday, I bought other people a bunch of stuff.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

   I don't know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.

   "It's not what it looks like!" - said when something is exactly what it looks like

   Good thing Salmon Wilcox is on the side with the lights or you wouldn't be able to see him.

   Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire

   I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.

   At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.

   Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.

   I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"