Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should run for political office to see what kind of shit they bring up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   National anthem of jamica isn't bob marley?

   Show me on your minivan where did your life go wrong and spiral out of control?!?.

   I should not be punished for you being stupid

   I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time.

   "X the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :) "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future.

   I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   maybe vodka is addicted to ME

   Guys in relationships would probably be happier if their girls would try blowing them more instead of everything out of proportion.

   Two's company, three sounds like fun.

   not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.

   My phone display is brighter than my future.

   A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!

   I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”

   be careful what you buy on Craigslist. I just bought front row seats to the Dookie Brothers concert...

   I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!!

   I over-exercised and dieted beyond what was healthy. It got so bad I had to check myself into reflab.