Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   This sex may be recorded for training purposes.

   Don't feel bad if you don't enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That's what matters.

   If Lance Armstrong can't keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.

   "Oooga Booga Ooga Booga" Richard Sherman

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks have sex? Relative Humidity.

   For a second there I thought I understood Spanish, but it was just the weed. False alarm.

   Buys Mega-Millins ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.

    have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.

   What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

   I had a blind girlfriend. Her name was ::.::..:..:::. .::.:...:::.: .

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   wow some women dont appreciate anything,i surprised her with flowers and candy and all she had to say was "how did you get into my house!"