Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For a second there I thought I understood Spanish, but it was just the weed. False alarm.

   Buys Mega-Millins ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.

    have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.

   What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

   I had a blind girlfriend. Her name was ::.::..:..:::. .::.:...:::.: .

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   wow some women dont appreciate anything,i surprised her with flowers and candy and all she had to say was "how did you get into my house!"

   My retirement strategy is just me pretending to get sick and starting a gofundme account.

   People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.

   Facebook so fresh, you can taste the rainbow

   Two in the blue, one in the poo. ~ How to give Smurfette a shocker.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired".

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.