Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him. 
If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.
Can someone please post a picture of your breakfast for me.. to encourage me to get to make my own. . .
My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.
Sometimes a Reuben at Arby's is how you celebrate St Patrick's Day.
Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."
Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.
"No hardworking American should be forced to live without more cowbell." Christopher Walken for President, 2016.
Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.
She said she recognozed me from the Vegetarian Club but I've never met herbivore.
Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.
Always give your dog a middle name, so he/she knows when they're really in trouble.
Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer
Billion Dollar Idea: Girl Scout Nachos.
spilled my coffee and I felt a piece of my soul die.
A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.
.... Bacon ..... Proof God meant for us to eat meat!
Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity
FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was
If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one. 