Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.

   "No hardworking American should be forced to live without more cowbell." Christopher Walken for President, 2016.

   Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.

   She said she recognozed me from the Vegetarian Club but I've never met herbivore.

   Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

   Always give your dog a middle name, so he/she knows when they're really in trouble.

   Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer

   Billion Dollar Idea: Girl Scout Nachos.

   spilled my coffee and I felt a piece of my soul die.

   A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.

   .... Bacon ..... Proof God meant for us to eat meat!

   Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...