Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.

   Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I'm basically a golden retriever.

   I'm just going to put an "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" And then we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Saw them 21 more times before sunrise.

   Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!

   need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.

   I'm a huge fan of screaming "You're welcome" really loud when people don't say thank you...

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.