Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   I wish I was a Unicorn so I could stab people with my head.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.