Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   who you love is a reflection of how you love yourself...

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   ♫Refract light like a diamond! Refract light like a diamond!♫" - If Rihanna went to science class

   Vodka infused marshmallow peeps. Perfect for adult Easter baskets.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   My female friend told me she was concerned because her new friend was a Lesbian and she isn't ! I told her don't worry, just be straight with her ! :0)

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?

   Every woman thinks she's fat except the ones that are.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   The irony, I was conceived on a pull out couch...

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   To the virgin bellow; Maybe its those crocs you wear.

   I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.

   ATTENTION ANYONE UNDER 25: There was a time Ice Cube was the baddest rapper on the planet. No, seriously. Stop laughing. It’s true.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.