Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate rich people who think they are above and better than the poor and middle class,hey people when your gone they'll use manure on your grave just like mine

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.

   I'm going to open my own Walmart... Every register will be manned... A bouncer at each front door that will not let "THE PEOPLE OF WALMART" come in. And the slogan will be "Get yo' sh@# & get out."

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   hates people who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   am I the only one who gets the urge to kick small children when I see them walking really slowly in front of me?

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Chattanooga TN. For your own safety head to Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   who you love is a reflection of how you love yourself...

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   ♫Refract light like a diamond! Refract light like a diamond!♫" - If Rihanna went to science class

   Vodka infused marshmallow peeps. Perfect for adult Easter baskets.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   My female friend told me she was concerned because her new friend was a Lesbian and she isn't ! I told her don't worry, just be straight with her ! :0)

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?

   Every woman thinks she's fat except the ones that are.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?