Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

   Its super weird touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you're eating his popcorn.

   He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Kanye even went as far to become a Kardashian to get into the spotlight.

   I don't go to the gym, I like for things to work themselves out.

   After years of observation,multiple hypothesis,well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations.I finally came to ONE CONCLUSION: I'M NOT NORMAL

   I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

   Meanwhile, Woody Allen has married his adopted daughter and still makes movies. DuPont heir Robert Richards rapes his 3 year old and serves no jail time. Roman Polanski raped a 13year old and left the country while on bail yet he STILL receives awards

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper.

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   Why can't we just let the government employees go back to work and furlough Congress?

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   I wish I could say it"s nice to see Michael Bolton working again, but it's really not. Thanks Honda.

   I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.