Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you don't like to cry to your woes tomorrow, don't laugh at someone's misery today.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.

   Only in America, where the Feds can't find a missing girl or a missing plane but they can find a little sack of weed between a black person's a$$.

   If y'all hate the Republican candidates so much ...... why don't you find some better candidates?

   Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

   Its super weird touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you're eating his popcorn.

   He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Kanye even went as far to become a Kardashian to get into the spotlight.

   I don't go to the gym, I like for things to work themselves out.

   After years of observation,multiple hypothesis,well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations.I finally came to ONE CONCLUSION: I'M NOT NORMAL

   I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

   Meanwhile, Woody Allen has married his adopted daughter and still makes movies. DuPont heir Robert Richards rapes his 3 year old and serves no jail time. Roman Polanski raped a 13year old and left the country while on bail yet he STILL receives awards

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.