Funny Status Messages
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Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face 
Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore
Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.
I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.
I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.
me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.
my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”
Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding. 