Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.

   When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.

   I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth

   According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~

   Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company

   No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead

   Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...