Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was in a bad mood but its been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.

   1/3 of the world is going crazy killing each other tonight, 1/3 of the nerds are looking for pokemon, 1/3 of women are rubbing their poor children in essential oils and I'm just laying on the couch wondering how I ran out of Oreos.

   I woke up this morning and there was a big Pokemon next to me and I don't even have the app!

   QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Two words: Pokemon No

   Roger Ailes quits FOX News ..... Guess it's up to Trump Now!

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   Can you get financial aid for dating?

   They say that we are what we eat. That means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   When my printer jams, I do what any logical male would do; I go buy a new printer.

   McDonalds serves breakfast all day now but apparently if you want McNuggets wrapped in a pancake like a taco, you have to do it yourself.

   Nothing can equate to the horror of looking a wheelchair bound person in the eye as you finally exit the handicapped stall.

   Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.

   Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.