Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.

   It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.

   A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

   Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.

   Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.

   I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.

   When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.

   I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth

   According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~

   Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company

   No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead

   Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.