Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to divorce. They've already adopted a team of lawyers.

   A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.

   Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.

   Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.

   I haven't checked the chinese calendar yet but I'm betting this is the year of the Clown.

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   This offends me as a vegan transgender atheist German engineer who vapes organic decaffeinated compressed soy breast milk on the regular and a person who does Indian naked crossfit yoga 5 times per week.

   Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.

   When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.

   The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.

   In the 16th century guys named Gaylord were the toughest son's of b**ches around.

   And soon it will be Thanksgiving. The only time that its acceptable to eat stuff out of a birds ass.

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"

   This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..

   Add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans.

   Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?

   “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.