Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.

   If Hillary is indicted and charged with a Felony after she won the election ... Would she then be considered under "White House Arrest?"

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really.......

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   Yet another celebrity death in 2016. RIP Mariah Carey's career!

   Eating pork chops with mohammad

   Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

   I’m glad we have such strict illegal drug laws, otherwise people would be using and over doing on them

   All countries have the Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   Betty Crocker likes to spoon?

   elegantly wasted.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode