Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello 1% battery, we meet again for the 5th time today.

   Wow, ESPN hasn't mentioned Tim Tebow once today.

   To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.

   We've reached that unfortunate time of the year when all the white guys put on their Hawaiian shirts and think they're Jimmy Buffet!

   Imagine...nothing but "straight news" from Anderson Cooper

   I like to rock out with my clock out, so I don't stay out too late.

   Remember... Sometimes you have to sacrifice the fat kid to save yourselves.

   Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...

   I think of some of your Facebook st@tus upd@tes during sex just so I can last longer.

   The Congressional Budget Super Committee has had months to work out the details on the budget and cutting the deficit but still no progress. As Gomer Pyle used to say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

   If your Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" it's not really that hard to understand. Most of your friends have already figured out you're past the online formalities and are officially into stalking stage.

   I'm thankful for the end of prohibition.

   Maybe, even just for a day, we could change the 'poke' button on Facebook to 'punch in the face'.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   There's a thin line between genius and insanity, and I'm that line. Genius by nature, insane by choice.

   Do people using Twitter Twick or Tweet today??

   Come on proactiv, don't lie, its not a limited time offer, you've ALWAYS been $19.99.

   Locks of love should just visit my shower.

   Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys!