Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know,,, The first rule of redundancy club, is the first rule of redundancy club.

   The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.

   Love comes from the brain; an erecti0n comes from the heart.

   You know your childhood is over when you actually want to take a nap.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   Hello 1% battery, we meet again for the 5th time today.

   Wow, ESPN hasn't mentioned Tim Tebow once today.

   To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.

   We've reached that unfortunate time of the year when all the white guys put on their Hawaiian shirts and think they're Jimmy Buffet!

   Imagine...nothing but "straight news" from Anderson Cooper

   I like to rock out with my clock out, so I don't stay out too late.

   Remember... Sometimes you have to sacrifice the fat kid to save yourselves.

   Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...

   I think of some of your Facebook st@tus upd@tes during sex just so I can last longer.

   The Congressional Budget Super Committee has had months to work out the details on the budget and cutting the deficit but still no progress. As Gomer Pyle used to say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

   If your Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" it's not really that hard to understand. Most of your friends have already figured out you're past the online formalities and are officially into stalking stage.

   I'm thankful for the end of prohibition.

   Maybe, even just for a day, we could change the 'poke' button on Facebook to 'punch in the face'.