Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Trying to get into a relationship had turned me into a B-grade male version of Adele.

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?

   Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.

   Remember Grandpa from the show "RugRats"? Was I the only one shocked that his favorite snack was "Fuzzy Ding-A-Ling Bars"?

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.

   I'm not sure what the worst penalty in football is but Madonna performing at the halftime of the Super Bowl has got to be it.

   to make American Idol Auditons worth watching, everytime Randy says "yo" take a shot ot your favorite liquor.

   Why is congress trying to get involved with PIPA, shes not even from the US

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   I wish people would stop mocking my fat friend. She's got enough on her plate.

   just purchased a very effective piece of weight loss equipment...its called a hula hoop

   I feel like a grownup when I take out the trash instead of smooshing it down.

   Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My girlfriend for instance...

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you

   it's really inconsiderate of you to be this attaractive if you're not planning on being the father of my future children

   If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

   The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.