Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sure what the worst penalty in football is but Madonna performing at the halftime of the Super Bowl has got to be it.

   to make American Idol Auditons worth watching, everytime Randy says "yo" take a shot ot your favorite liquor.

   Why is congress trying to get involved with PIPA, shes not even from the US

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   I wish people would stop mocking my fat friend. She's got enough on her plate.

   just purchased a very effective piece of weight loss equipment...its called a hula hoop

   I feel like a grownup when I take out the trash instead of smooshing it down.

   Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My girlfriend for instance...

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you

   it's really inconsiderate of you to be this attaractive if you're not planning on being the father of my future children

   If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

   The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.

   You know,,, The first rule of redundancy club, is the first rule of redundancy club.

   The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.

   Love comes from the brain; an erecti0n comes from the heart.

   You know your childhood is over when you actually want to take a nap.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.