Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says, do what you want,under any circumstance do not do what you want

   Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

   I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up

   The controlling force of all the corporate propaganda, religious guilt, and governmental coercion shrinks to insignificance in the face of a single human being with a profound belief in a revolutionary idea.

   Sometimes I get so angry I give myself tourette's

   April 19th 2011 at 8:11pm Skynet went active.

   i know they might be comfortable... and hi-tech.. but those running shoes with the individual toes.. really freak me out. and it just makes me wanna kick their ass!

   My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."

   No man ever talked a woman into sex. 99% of the time, a woman knows she is going to have sex when she walks out the door. Men can only talk themselves out of it.

   If Facebook would have been a college...i would have got a certificate for full attendance

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46.

   A smile is the same in every language, I'm pretty sure the pee pee dance is too...

   Those who say laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard a great joke while suffering with diarrhoea.

   Being loved unconditionally is not a free pass to mess up.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

   I just watched the "Notebook" & "Rudy" ...NO I didn't cry! but I want to go out for an ice cream now