Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
I don't watch porn; I can't get over the frustration that the pizza they ordered is getting cold. 
Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles
By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is not the advisable way to tell your child he was adopted.
You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.
I had a friend who started saying "anyhoo," so I had to distance myself.
When a woman says, do what you want,under any circumstance do not do what you want
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up
The controlling force of all the corporate propaganda, religious guilt, and governmental coercion shrinks to insignificance in the face of a single human being with a profound belief in a revolutionary idea.
Sometimes I get so angry I give myself tourette's
April 19th 2011 at 8:11pm Skynet went active.
i know they might be comfortable... and hi-tech.. but those running shoes with the individual toes.. really freak me out. and it just makes me wanna kick their ass!
My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."
No man ever talked a woman into sex. 99% of the time, a woman knows she is going to have sex when she walks out the door. Men can only talk themselves out of it.
If Facebook would have been a college...i would have got a certificate for full attendance
When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.
Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place
IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46. 