Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   At this point, I think the only possibility way for America to be great is if Trump's plane collides with Hillary's plane at 40,000 feet head on and nothing but ashes make it to the ground.

   Its funny how no one is bringing up the fat lazy Americans...probably because we are stomping the world at the Olympics AGAIN.....

   I had a late nite knock (rather hard) on the front door....Before I knew it I was flushing items down the commode.....On a side note....if you flush skittles it looks like a overhead view of NASCAR at Bristol..

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Number of Federal Investigations of corruption, collusion, and Illegal use of Confidential Government Information against Trump - 0 ...... Number of FBI investigations against Hillary for the same - 1 .... Seems like an easy choice to me...

   The Cleveland Browns have more wins in 2016 than Ronda Rousey

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.