Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   did anyone else notice that many passengers on the Concordia cruise ship said that it was like a scene out of the Titanic? I've been asking myself which 1 and now I've limited it down to 2 options-The steaming car scene and the nude portrait one. Must be!

   Whenever my girlfriend gives me stuff to do I just add it to my bucket list.

   A girlfriend once told me, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "You're right, I am amazing."

   In't it amazing how peeps will always remember exactly what they were doing when they found out JFK & Lennon were murdered? So much easier these days though.. What were you doing when you learnt MJ, Winehouse and Whitney had died? Browsing FB of course!

   Gotta lay off watching so many conspiracy documentary's......convinced myself the Dawg had the ability to read my mind, staring at me for like half an hour....turns out its water bowl was empty!

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.