Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Verizon buys Yahoo's "core business" for $4.8 billion. Yahoo's "core business" is of course, "email accounts last used 5 years ago."

   Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.

   Teacher: Johnny,Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence..... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and...Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.

   Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.