Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.

   I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.

   This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.

   If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.

   What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

   One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.

   Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!? Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   If your blow up dolls nose starts running, she’s not sick she’s full.

   THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! – My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

   It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...