Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.

   So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.