Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   Sheldon Cooper has scored more than Ohio State did last night

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   You made a video of me and my friends? Well Facebook, who told you they are my friends?

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   A woman with her tongue pierced reminds me of Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   It's International Women's Day. That means only the women with sexy accents right?

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.