Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible