Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. You should apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs and bars.

   bacterial outbreak stemming from the playboy mansion? I think thats called an STD!

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   Just learned that tigers don't eat Frosted Flakes. Now I'm questioning whether they're even gr-r-reat. I don't know what to believe anymore.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   Who needs moving boxes? OH, that's right...the Obamas do.

   Safety pins are for diapers, full of crap

   Dear Misandry. At the height of women workers in WWII it was only 2.2 million out of 103 million jobs. That is 2%. We talking german or asian is a feminist lie. Learn your history.

   They should change the name of Facebook to “whineonline”

   The poor grammar I see displayed on practically every FB post indicates that home schooling is is going to have disastrous results.

   I'm thinking of hiring Michael Cohen as my lawyer. He only has three clients and apparently he works for free. He doesn't take money from anyone.

   It's hotter than a cup of McDonald's coffee in an old lady's crotch today.

   Donald Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter "Ivanka."

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   thinks the best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

   If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose

   signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.

   So, Terrelle Pryor gets suspended, but Cam Newton gets a Heisman? Oh, ok, that's fair

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.