Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hotter than a cup of McDonald's coffee in an old lady's crotch today.

   Donald Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter "Ivanka."

   The poor grammar I see displayed on practically every FB post indicates that home schooling is is going to have disastrous results.

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   I'm thinking of hiring Michael Cohen as my lawyer. He only has three clients and apparently he works for free. He doesn't take money from anyone.

   thinks the best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

   If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose

   signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.

   So, Terrelle Pryor gets suspended, but Cam Newton gets a Heisman? Oh, ok, that's fair

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   Facebook: the place where you are a nice person when you add someone and become an ***hole when you delete them.

   Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.