Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's true, opposites attract. My wife gets up early and does stuff.

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   the world is not full of a$$holes but they are strategically placed so you come across several everyday

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The dumbing down of the human species. We are going backwards in intellect with every new social media app.

   Being in the doghouse isn't so bad if there's enough beer in the bowl.

   If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

   Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll

   When you have a wife who can’t cook, Tupperware is just the waiting room for the trash can.

   People that look through other peoples medicine cabinets? WEIRD!~~ I would like to look through their fridge.

   I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"

   I only got one valentine card, and that was from the wife. I say valentine card, it was actually a death threat. still it's the thought that counts

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   If we eat, we die. If we don't eat, we die. I choose death by chocolate....

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   What I learned by watching Storage Wars: A box of $hit is worth seventy five bucks and a sack of $hit is only worth fifty.

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.