Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!

   Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.

   Just wrapped up a great Father's Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertaker's Wrestlemania entrance.

   Check out Google's homepage right now. It's hilarious

   We all have those friends that are fine to 'hangout' with on FB, but in real life you wanna punch them right in the face. Oh wait.......that's my family.

   Welcome to loneliness club. Today we have special guests,,, Bag Of Doritos and Season 5 of Lost... Since it's just me, let's go ahead and start.

   It's true, opposites attract. My wife gets up early and does stuff.

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   the world is not full of a$$holes but they are strategically placed so you come across several everyday

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The dumbing down of the human species. We are going backwards in intellect with every new social media app.

   Being in the doghouse isn't so bad if there's enough beer in the bowl.

   If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

   Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll

   When you have a wife who can’t cook, Tupperware is just the waiting room for the trash can.

   People that look through other peoples medicine cabinets? WEIRD!~~ I would like to look through their fridge.

   I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"

   I only got one valentine card, and that was from the wife. I say valentine card, it was actually a death threat. still it's the thought that counts