Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

   Daylight savings time? Only an idiot would cut two inches off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom and believe he now has a longer blanket.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up”; obviously never worked for corporate media.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character. You should work on that.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   Male bees die right after mating. So, their whole life is… Honey, Nut, Cheerio.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   If dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king, I hope they don't just go by size; because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.

   Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   “I believe everything they say.” They’ve been wrong about literally everything so far. “I still believe everything they say.”

   There is no plan to eliminate student debt. There is a plan to transfer that debt to those that don’t owe it.