Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   The high school girls down the street playing basketball in their shorty shorts look like they need a 37 year old referee in sweatpants.

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   This Halloween .pour bottle of oil over your naked body tah dah new born baby.

   Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you have diarrhea.

   Dear idiot: If I give you a nice big straw, will you leave me alone and go suck the fun out of someone else's day? Sincerely, Annoyed.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   Happy Independence Day! And make sure you stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni! Because that makes total sense!!!

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   Floyd Mayweather beat up his wife and wanted to go to jail so he can duck Manny Pacquiao again