Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are only as happy as they allow themselves to be.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies!

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   I wish they made Off Clip On Repellent for creepy people at WalMart

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   To celebrate Womans Day I shall have sex with 5 lucky women today .

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   Sick of girls saying all guys are the same we aren't they just always go for the same kinda guy.......

   If you unfriend me or block me on Facebook, that means you would probably just turn your nose up in real life...you're actually doing me a favor!!

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   The high school girls down the street playing basketball in their shorty shorts look like they need a 37 year old referee in sweatpants.

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.