Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   Sick of girls saying all guys are the same we aren't they just always go for the same kinda guy.......

   If you unfriend me or block me on Facebook, that means you would probably just turn your nose up in real life...you're actually doing me a favor!!

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   The high school girls down the street playing basketball in their shorty shorts look like they need a 37 year old referee in sweatpants.

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   This Halloween .pour bottle of oil over your naked body tah dah new born baby.

   Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you have diarrhea.

   Dear idiot: If I give you a nice big straw, will you leave me alone and go suck the fun out of someone else's day? Sincerely, Annoyed.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.