Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I skipped the part of life where I was supposed to learn how to get rich.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf.

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.

   If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only

   Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.

   All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."

   I need a grub buddy. Kinda like a f*ck buddy, except when I hit you at 2 am you better be ready to stuff your face with me.

   Take it from me: Don't try to redeem those "Free Blow Job" coupons after you divorce.

   LIfe is simple. Be yourself. Find something you would die for. Be loyal to those who deserve it and tell the rest to go f*ck themselves.

   People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.

   The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

   When your sassy personalized license plate promises a lifestyle your Hyundai can't deliver.

   if you never ever looked at your bank balance and rationally thought about the benefits of prostitution and drug dealing, you're a liar my friend.

   Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious