Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amanda Knox will not be going back to Italy for her second murder trial. Well, duh....

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   There is a price to pay for my happiness..its called alcohol.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Dr. Ruth, the world renowned sex doctor says, dont focus on the sagging, or the belly fat, or the wobbly neck, focus on the sensation after the age of 50.

   You know you're at a redneck 5k when some guy runs in flip flops...

   Wish MTV would make a show called "16 and mature"

   The problem with most women is that they wont have sex with me.

   Still waiting to be told I've been being punk'd all these years.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   You are never really free until your heart says you are. JK, it's when the handcuffs come off and the cop gives your belongings back.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I "don't lock my phone," love you.

   The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone!

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   It took 3 hours and 36 minutes but the Niners finally scored a touchdown!"

   #TeamSingle,.. Being Single Isn't A Team You Are ALONE