Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   drinking beer in shower

   i cant stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking the coffee then I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doings.

   What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."

   "It's time to go home" - my phone's battery

   Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....

   With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies?

   I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

   If you can't prove it, I didn't do it. Unless you liked it.

   Music will be just fine.... Miley's twerking or not

   Amanda Knox will not be going back to Italy for her second murder trial. Well, duh....

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   There is a price to pay for my happiness..its called alcohol.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Dr. Ruth, the world renowned sex doctor says, dont focus on the sagging, or the belly fat, or the wobbly neck, focus on the sensation after the age of 50.

   You know you're at a redneck 5k when some guy runs in flip flops...

   Wish MTV would make a show called "16 and mature"

   The problem with most women is that they wont have sex with me.

   Still waiting to be told I've been being punk'd all these years.