Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!

   Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.

   Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.