Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.

   Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.