Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!

   In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"

   It's pretty cool that evolution knew we'd eventually need pinky fingers to hold our phones.

   When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”

   Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   At some point, you're gonna be naked. I wanna be there when it happens. Even if it means staying in this closet for another 12 hours.

   do we really care what kim kardasian named her next tv show?

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   All these end-of-the-year top 10 things that happened in 2011 lists must be handy for people who were asleep all year or dead.

   older woman, into vampire storys about minors, and it's all "I'm team blah blah"... but when "I" bring home a vampire porn and pop it in on movie night..... suddenly "I'm the sicko"????

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.