Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm dving behind someone who is obviously scared of his gas pedal.

   My neighbor pays for the premium channels.

   I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.

   Just found out that I've been on double secret probation for quite sometime now.

   If Gluttony really is a sin, according to a recent poll, 67% of Americans are going straight to hell.

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

   Iron man is a superhero...iron woman is a command

   Plano TX, where guys show up in ed hardy T- shirts glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors. Thank you for making meeting women so easy for me.

   BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre sees his shadow. Six more weeks of retirement speculation ahead

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   insecure and naturally picks on those who are weaker than himself to give him some demented sense of self worth.

   actually an antidepressant... X must be taken every night before bedtime... But X may cause lightheadeness, a sense of euphoria, and an incontrollable urge to repeat the word yes... X is not for everyone... Ask your doctor if X is right for you...

   Either you're in or you're out! There's no in-between. . . unless you are doing the Hokie Pokie

   faling for someone... or it might be gas.... It's been so long I can't tell the difference...

   if you want to kill a circus act, you've got to go for the juggler.

   the heart has reasons to say things that the brain will never understand

   kiss my asprin

   going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance