Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please explain again your loathing for woman but want desperately to become one. We find you utterances disturbing yet intriguing.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.