michael Funny Status Messages

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?