Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?
←Rate | 12-14-2018 13:31 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm ready for summer!
←Rate | 12-14-2018 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!
←Rate | 12-14-2018 11:39 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
←Rate | 12-14-2018 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This wall thing.... It's like a manhood thing with him.... as if manhood can be associated with him." Nancy Pelosi
←Rate | 12-14-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.
←Rate | 12-14-2018 04:19 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?
←Rate | 12-14-2018 04:12 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters
←Rate | 12-14-2018 02:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands
←Rate | 12-13-2018 19:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.
←Rate | 12-13-2018 13:11 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
←Rate | 12-13-2018 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?
←Rate | 12-13-2018 12:02 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
←Rate | 12-13-2018 09:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.
←Rate | 12-12-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alexa, clean up my act!
←Rate | 12-12-2018 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!
←Rate | 12-11-2018 21:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.
←Rate | 12-11-2018 21:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.
←Rate | 12-11-2018 14:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.
←Rate | 12-11-2018 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So how did happen?
←Rate | 12-10-2018 21:15 by Moon Comments (0)  

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