Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My fly's been down all day ... so I left some feces particles on the toilet seat to try to cheer him up.
←Rate | 05-10-2019 16:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
←Rate | 05-10-2019 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled
←Rate | 05-10-2019 12:39 by Mylez Comments (0)  

   messageicon I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
←Rate | 05-10-2019 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible
←Rate | 05-09-2019 23:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?
←Rate | 05-09-2019 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!
←Rate | 05-09-2019 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex
←Rate | 05-09-2019 13:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard
←Rate | 05-09-2019 13:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I prayed and hoped a shooting wouldn't happen at my son's school. Hoping and praying didn't work.
←Rate | 05-09-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guns are not the problem. It's the people who are pulling the trigger. Taking guns away will not stop people from killing other people.
←Rate | 05-08-2019 18:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Able to lose $250 Million dollars in a single year. It's a bird, no, it's a plane, no, it's Donald Trump!
←Rate | 05-08-2019 16:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.
←Rate | 05-08-2019 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??
←Rate | 05-07-2019 23:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.
←Rate | 05-07-2019 22:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wonder if the Kentuky error was made while he was eating some chicken from a bucket of Kentucky chicken.
←Rate | 05-07-2019 18:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.
←Rate | 05-07-2019 11:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just finest remolding my bathroom and just want thank you all for all the selfies and great remolding idea's!
←Rate | 05-07-2019 09:47 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..
←Rate | 05-07-2019 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!
←Rate | 05-06-2019 18:09 Comments (1)  

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