Michael Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.
←Rate | 11-15-2010 13:53 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
←Rate | 02-28-2013 09:06 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 21:25 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.
←Rate | 08-30-2013 13:23 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…
←Rate | 09-28-2010 11:16 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.
←Rate | 06-13-2013 11:39 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!
←Rate | 12-01-2010 11:39 by Michael Comments (1)  

   messageicon Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.
←Rate | 02-19-2014 10:57 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!
←Rate | 08-28-2013 07:57 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.
←Rate | 04-16-2013 04:15 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?
←Rate | 02-11-2014 15:44 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!
←Rate | 10-27-2010 13:45 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.
←Rate | 09-12-2014 13:33 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 08:21 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.
←Rate | 11-18-2010 12:00 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.
←Rate | 06-20-2013 10:39 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
←Rate | 01-12-2011 16:24 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews
←Rate | 04-04-2011 13:07 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%
←Rate | 01-28-2011 08:43 by michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”
←Rate | 10-22-2010 10:28 by Michael Comments (1)  

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