Aaron Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
←Rate | 08-03-2012 19:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
←Rate | 09-15-2011 15:37 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.
←Rate | 09-22-2010 22:49 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
←Rate | 10-18-2010 12:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 13:58 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.
←Rate | 04-15-2011 11:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
←Rate | 04-02-2012 17:58 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
←Rate | 05-26-2011 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
←Rate | 09-09-2010 22:52 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.
←Rate | 03-17-2011 13:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Forget everything you know about amnesia.
←Rate | 10-07-2013 18:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
←Rate | 03-21-2012 17:20 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
←Rate | 03-25-2011 10:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
←Rate | 08-08-2011 16:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're an asshole.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:40 by Aaron Comments (18)  


   messageicon Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
←Rate | 10-19-2010 16:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
←Rate | 06-04-2012 14:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
←Rate | 12-06-2010 14:59 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
←Rate | 06-14-2011 20:35 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 01:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  



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