Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”