Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.
←Rate | 10-04-2021 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.
←Rate | 07-23-2020 20:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!
←Rate | 07-13-2021 01:22 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
←Rate | 07-03-2021 05:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage
←Rate | 06-06-2021 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
←Rate | 05-27-2021 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.
←Rate | 09-15-2021 01:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Elevator music bothers me on many levels
←Rate | 10-18-2017 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
←Rate | 10-12-2020 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...
←Rate | 11-17-2021 09:07 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.
←Rate | 12-15-2021 11:49 by MM Comments (0)  

   messageicon You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year
←Rate | 11-25-2020 07:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!
←Rate | 07-04-2018 23:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
←Rate | 10-07-2018 20:14 Comments (0)  

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