Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.
←Rate | 10-28-2019 16:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth
←Rate | 12-03-2019 10:57 by Rickstar Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...
←Rate | 10-27-2019 18:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

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