Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?