Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.