Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.