Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.