Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.