Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.