Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  


   messageicon "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
←Rate | 10-08-2019 17:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
←Rate | 12-19-2019 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.
←Rate | 01-03-2020 20:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
←Rate | 12-10-2019 09:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
←Rate | 10-30-2019 00:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...
←Rate | 01-03-2020 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
←Rate | 11-26-2019 11:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
←Rate | 01-02-2020 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 13:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  




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