Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.