Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.