Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   Pink Floyd warned us about the school system over 50 years ago, and everyone slept on it.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   Someone living in their grandmother’s basement used to be the butt of the joke. The rental market is so insane that now it’s like, dam, you’ve got a whole basement to yourself, that’s sexy.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.