Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.