Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 15:29 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.
←Rate | 04-21-2013 01:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
←Rate | 12-07-2016 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!
←Rate | 06-28-2012 18:34 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....
←Rate | 10-21-2016 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 10:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member
←Rate | 12-18-2016 14:55 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on.
←Rate | 01-03-2017 22:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........
←Rate | 07-20-2016 09:57 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
←Rate | 11-02-2016 11:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 15:40 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
←Rate | 11-14-2016 13:18 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
←Rate | 12-10-2016 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.
←Rate | 01-10-2017 07:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yup .... Sex with a 50 year old woman is pretty much the same as with a 20 year old with the exception that is has little chance of magically transforming into a child support payment.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.
←Rate | 01-20-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......
←Rate | 08-05-2016 13:17 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

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