Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.