Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.