Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.