Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
←Rate | 10-19-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have performance enhancing shrugs.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
←Rate | 10-20-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
←Rate | 10-19-2019 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren't on fire and don't have hurricanes.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friend zoned your wife again
←Rate | 10-17-2019 23:08 by DocNoland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 08:05 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
←Rate | 09-30-2019 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

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