Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   I have performance enhancing shrugs.

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

   Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren't on fire and don't have hurricanes.

   Friend zoned your wife again

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.