Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.
←Rate | 12-05-2010 13:33 by AJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
←Rate | 07-14-2013 03:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....
←Rate | 10-21-2016 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.
←Rate | 02-14-2012 08:35 by Barney Stinson Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2017 07:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!
←Rate | 03-06-2012 09:45 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
←Rate | 12-16-2012 22:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.
←Rate | 11-20-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 06:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
←Rate | 03-26-2016 19:06 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
←Rate | 09-14-2010 15:13 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

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