Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.