Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.