Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   In France you don’t say “I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques,” which means “you are missing from me.” I love that.

   The bird flu? I hope so.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of hearer as well as those of the speaker.

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Everybody sucks at driving but me.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.