Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 14:26 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!
←Rate | 03-06-2012 09:45 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 10:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
←Rate | 11-13-2012 05:07 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 08:35 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 16:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
←Rate | 03-17-2013 12:40 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon what happens in vegas never happens to me
←Rate | 07-04-2011 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
←Rate | 12-07-2016 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!
←Rate | 06-28-2012 18:34 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
←Rate | 01-21-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”
←Rate | 08-16-2015 10:09 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 07:32 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
←Rate | 02-13-2013 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....
←Rate | 10-21-2016 09:54 Comments (0)  

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