Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.