Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house 
I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet
It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.
My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!
OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive