Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.