Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.