Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?