Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
←Rate | 04-22-2017 16:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
←Rate | 03-06-2017 13:28 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
←Rate | 04-08-2017 22:46 by XC Comments (0)  

   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon Comments (0)  

   messageicon A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
←Rate | 03-01-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 18:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 23:22 Comments (4)  

   messageicon A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.
←Rate | 03-24-2017 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 17:58 by therealtimmyt Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:35 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (2)  

   messageicon Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?
←Rate | 03-26-2017 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.
←Rate | 04-03-2017 13:34 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger
←Rate | 04-11-2017 10:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My memory foam has amnesia
←Rate | 03-30-2017 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.
←Rate | 04-01-2017 20:41 Comments (0)  

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