Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.