Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 06:59 Comments (4)  

   messageicon So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 07:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
←Rate | 01-05-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it
←Rate | 09-26-2017 08:59 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.
←Rate | 11-13-2017 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 18:25 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (2)  

   messageicon Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 21:26 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
←Rate | 03-11-2018 10:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
←Rate | 01-08-2018 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD
←Rate | 01-16-2018 02:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
←Rate | 02-04-2018 23:08 by tmk Comments (0)  

   messageicon Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

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