Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the heck not at that point?

   Trump is already working wonders, all these people marching = Exercise and aiding weight loss. = Positive

   Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.

   Dear ... Hillary .... We know you ...... That is why we can't .... and shouldn't .... support you ....

   Dear "Slim Fast" -- You aren't fast enough.

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   Valentines Day...The perfect day to buy your "someone special" a card with someone else's words and overpriced flowers. Ahhh, who said romance is gone?

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   90% of married men cheat on their wives in the US.....the rest go to thailand

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   They say listening to Justin Bieber is the gateway drug to taking a w iener in your butt.