Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.

   With another unfortunate mass shooting incident, this will respark another debate about how rampant gun violence is... WAIT!! HULK HOGAN SAID THE N-WORD?!!!! Stop the presses!!!

   Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the heck not at that point?

   Trump is already working wonders, all these people marching = Exercise and aiding weight loss. = Positive

   Dear ... Hillary .... We know you ...... That is why we can't .... and shouldn't .... support you ....

   Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.

   Dear "Slim Fast" -- You aren't fast enough.

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   Valentines Day...The perfect day to buy your "someone special" a card with someone else's words and overpriced flowers. Ahhh, who said romance is gone?

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!