Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans. That's crossing the border.

   Me in my 20’s: Naive af. Me in my 40’s: Same af.

   If Isis starts targeting Golf courses, Obama will unleash hell on them.

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   I bought a race horse and named it "my face" just so I can hear women shouting "come on my face!"

   I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he's fired ! !

   Horse meat is now legal food. Look for McDonald's to introduce the supersized McStallion, low fat McMare, and super lean McGelding burgers, and don't forget the McPony for the kids....Thanks Obama!!

   Finally ALLOWED to use the computer. My dog has been on assbook all morning.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

   BREAKING: FEMA and National Weather Service to plug the eye of Hurricane Sandy by dropping Chris Christie into it to save New Jersey.

   If you keep God inside your heart, there's nothing that will come into your life that you won't be able to handle. God is enough!

   Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".

   watching 'Earth Hour' simultaneously Online and on Television... It's kinda Dark... :/

   feeling like it might be a randy travis kind of weekend...

   CNN = Counterfeit News Network

   - There was a woman outside WalMart with a box of kittens. She asked me if I wanted one. I of course told her that I had kitten for breakfast. She called me a big jerk. I told her they taste a lot like puppies. Thats when she really got mad....

   Girl you should sell hot dogs, because you know how to make a wiener stand.

   Gay and ugly, its not a good combination. And you want to compete with women for men?

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   Canadian bar fights are just two men insisting on paying each other's tabs.