Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s cute how some people hide the fact that their uncle inappropriately touched them as kids by starting fights with strangers online.

   I think I've fallen in hate with you.

   why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   Never date someone that you don't really like. the desire to be wanted is different from the desire to be with the one you love

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   Day 4; I'm Thankful my dad got drunk and did my mom in the back seat of his 64 Dodge Dart...Thanks Pabst Blue Ribbon

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   ego boost: put a bumper sticker on the car that says "honk if I'm sexy" & then drive very slow

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.

   for fun put some pop rocks in the cats litter pan

   I propose a rule where girls under 18 must wear a big red tag with their age in bold print...especially in warmer months.

   There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'

   it's finally time to put the coffee away!! Cheers :)

   Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...