Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life can be like a prick, Sometimes it gets hard for no apparent reason.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   Its hard to work when the theme song to the Gummi Bears cartoon is running through your head

   Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   Dear buffalo wings: What happened to us? You were soooo good to me last night. But today… all I can say is OUCH!

   If I ever get arrested, do I have a good enough friend to come to my house and clear my browseer before they can obtain the search warrant??

   Trying to write a country song. What rhymes with, My dog drank all my beer and my wife left me?

   Single? No, I'm just in a relationship with freedom.

   I accidentally took 4 Ativan pills but I'm surprisingly not all that worried.

   They say life is one long and crazy ride. I wanna know how the hell did I get a ticket and can I get a refund!

   It's better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.

   The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.

   If watching He-man cartoons has taught me anything it's that you can solve any problem with a sword.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.