Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.

   Anyone want to lend me $500.00 until Thursday June 20th, 2047 ?

   I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.

   In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

   If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!

   Just because a few people, most of whom were drunk, said you are pretty, doesn't automatically mean you are a model.

   You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.

   when I heard Gaddafi was found in a large dirty hole I instantly thought...'what a place to hide: Paris Hilton's private part'!

   my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.

   what the fk is a kardashian, and how the hell do you get a bieber pregnant?

   The truth hurts. So if it's hurtful it must have some element of truth to it.

   I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples

   "Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

   Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.

   I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.

   The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.