Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2970 of 6446

The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.
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07-06-2011 13:29 by flinnie
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Anyone want to lend me $500.00 until Thursday June 20th, 2047 ?
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07-27-2011 09:30
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I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.
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07-29-2011 23:35 by BEGO
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In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!
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08-01-2011 11:29
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Just because a few people, most of whom were drunk, said you are pretty, doesn't automatically mean you are a model.
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08-05-2011 16:29
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You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.
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10-18-2011 04:24
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when I heard Gaddafi was found in a large dirty hole I instantly thought...'what a place to hide: Paris Hilton's private part'!
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10-22-2011 14:18
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my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.
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10-22-2011 18:29
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what the fk is a kardashian, and how the hell do you get a bieber pregnant?
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11-04-2011 07:58 by hmck
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The truth hurts. So if it's hurtful it must have some element of truth to it.
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11-06-2011 01:40
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I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples
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11-07-2011 07:23 by Lu
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"Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.
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11-12-2011 12:04 by seeka
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I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.
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04-24-2012 13:04
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The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....
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04-27-2012 03:19
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We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.
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04-28-2012 07:05 by flinnie
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I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!
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05-22-2012 21:19 by BEGO
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I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.