Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the heck is there a "z" in "LOLZ" ... Laugh Out Loud... Zebra?

   eating the papers inside his books hoping that it will go straight to his brain

   Getting so tired of the whole "Occupy Wall Street" protest... it's getting old. Besides, have you seen these people? Half of them look like they should be occupying Bourbon St., and the other half don't look smart enough to occupy Sesame St...

   planning to streak on The Today Show.

   "another Celebrity just went KABOOM!". Will tell you who it is for just $19.95, here's how to order.

   I hate the government but I fly the governments flag, support the governments troops and swear by the governments constitution as a symbol of my hatred.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   America, you might call this a presidential election, but the rest of the world is viewing it as your IQ test. And it's not looking good....

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew next to her. FML

   What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake? “Must be an earthquake.”

   wouldnt it be ironic if you died in the living room ?

   There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking

   WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?

   silence is golden. . . but duct tape is silver.

   Dear haters, you cant fully find happiness if you cant just leave me alone to be happy

   Real conversation I just heard ::: "oh hey grill how you doin'?!" -- "good, you" -- " good, where you working at now?" -- "oh, you know 'no where!'" --- "oh girl, dats the best job to have."

   What does it mean if a man is laying in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? It means you didn't hold the pillow down long enough

   Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.

   Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm 50. Grab a saucer out the cupboard I gotta feed my kitty. Before I leave, brush my teeth, with a tube of Colgate, cause when I leave for the night, I'll be back by 8.