Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the Electrician's Truck... "Let Us Remove Your Shorts"

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   Every good friend once was a stranger.

   We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.

   Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?

   My New Year's Resolution is to not use facebook unless I'm going to update my status, make comments or read other people's stuff. So far I'm doing really good!

   Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then

   Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it....

   Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief

   giving up shame for lent this year. Should make for a great week

   should have gotten some actual friends before making a Facebook account!

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case

   On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   People in Vimy Ridge would say otherwise about the resolve and bravery of Canadians...

   Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight!

   The opinion of strangers on the Internet is the most important thing in life.

   how do I break this vicious cycle of paying my own way and get free $hit from the gov't??

   I've got some terrible news: MSN