Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your eye..the stinging sensation will stop your whining.

   saw a banana peel in the road today and instinctively swerved to miss it, thanks Mario Kart!

   I don't know why we just don't take a bunch of nukes and level the middle east and those towel heads once and for all

   They should just make Sarah Palin pope. She can see heaven from her back yard.

   Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

   Some countries have evolved and become more civilized while some still have monarchies (looking at you inbreeding Brits).

   I'll have a coke please . Hhmmm is Pepsi ok ? Hhmm how about no ! Is monopoly money ok ?

   Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are good but who the hell are you?!?

   I bang my snooze button so often and hard it's probably pregnant...

   R.I.P. Osama Bin Laden - World Hide and Seek champion 2001-2011.

   Does anyone else think "Global warming" is just wordplay and code for "The Human Infestation Problem"

   Dear gas prices, I love it when you go down on me. Sincerely, pretty please?

   This status update you are reading is brought to you by your psychological addiction to Facebook. If you don't believe you are an addict, then why did you finish reading this status update......?

   Teacher: What comes after 69? Smart-a$$ Student: Mouthwash.

   The Biggest Lie Ever: "i Have Read & Agree 2 Di Terms Of Use."

   Pat Robertson is now blaming the oil spill in The Gulf of Mexico on promiscuous dinosaurs.

   My wife told me that I am immature, I said I know you are but what am I ??

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest...

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?