Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Drinking game for the Presidents speech: Drink every time he says jobs and economy.

   I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.

   I'm going to start telling people I don't drink. Because I don't think a few beers once a week really counts. I'm not always a Hypocrite....but when I am.....I prefer to contradict myself with Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends

   If you look at life like a piano where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness. As life goes on you realize the black keys make music too...d;^)

   Forget the bed, you are sleeping in my arms tonight.

   Wanna come over and watch porn on my 72 inch flat screen mirror?

   light beer, fruit flavored booze, turkey burgers...why do we have to pussify everything good??

   so rothlisberger is going back to super bowl....some advice for people of dallas...hide yo kids ..hide yo wife

   virginity is like a baloon... one prick and it's gone forever.....

   used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...

   May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, may your potatoes and gravy have a nary lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL..........

   If you're voting for Hilary Raise your hand.....now take that hand and slap your dumbass in the face with it!

   thinks there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room; and if they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   got fired today but is planning on showing up to work tomorrow anyway hoping they forgot...

   Just call executions "late term abortions" and Dems will support them.

   I asked Santa for Hillary Clinton for Christmas, but he said “No, You’ll Shoot Her Eye Out!”

   There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

   Roses are unicorns, violets are green, welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen.

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to her. She's drunk